You jokes

Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?

It's called "One More Thyme."

What do you call a paralyzed turtle?

Shell shocked.

Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.

Bully: I bet your dick is so small when you look down you can't see it.

Guy: I don't, I see your mom.

What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?

Do you want to hang later?

An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"

I bet for Halloween you were a Goblin. How about you gobble deez nuts?

How can you get free butt plants? Just get your man to fill your butt with natural juices.

I would roast you but you're already so hot.

What do you call a dead baby?

Spawn killed.

How do you fit 4 gay dudes on a stool?

Flip it upside down.

Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"

Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."

Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"

So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."

How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?

By cutting off her fingers.

If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.

I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.

Did you hear about the guy who got electrocuted?

It was quite a shocker.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, “She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replies, “Change the damn diaper, you idiot.”

Hairy vagina is like sweets with the wrapper on. You don't like it, but you still eat it.

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."

"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."