I wanted some breakfast, so I grabbed some Life cereal.
I poured it, but lemons came out. So I said, "Well, when life gives you lemons!"
I wanted some breakfast, so I grabbed some Life cereal.
I poured it, but lemons came out. So I said, "Well, when life gives you lemons!"
What do you call a girl with no legs? Sarah.
What do you call an Olympic gold medalist skiing? Not Sarah.
What do you call a fat midget?
A pig.
You know what really grinds my gears? Robots and liars...for example that Stephen Hawking fella. He sure looks and sounds like a robot!! And a major liar too! If he wanted to show me how smart he really was he would have figured out how to get up out of that four wheeler and tell me how smart he is!!!!!
Friend 1: I HATE YOU!
Friend 2: *cries* b-but i-i didn't s-say that!!
Friend 3: *writes on paper with pencil cuz is so bored*
Me: *points at pencil lead* NOW NOW NOW THIS HAS *LEAD* TO SOME SERIOUS FRIENDSHIP LOSS! Plz shut up.
All my friends: *groan at horrible pun*
A no legged manager runs the nearest pizza place called Your Pizza Is A Joke.
I (J0K35) worked there and this happened...
Manager: WHY ARE THE PINEAPPLES IN THE TRASH?
Me: Because nobody eats fucking pineapple pizza.
Manager: THAT'S IT! I'M KICKING YOU OUT OF THIS PLACE!
Me: You can't kick me out.
Manager: Why not? Huh?
Me: Because you need legs to kick, and you don't have any.
Did you hear about the new Chinese food?
It is called: “Wuhan Fried Bats”!
You wanna hear a joke?
You.
HEY! You guys need to S T O P making Stephen Hawking jokes. He has done so much for the theoretical physics world, and THIS is how you choose to repay him? All 653 of you should be ashamed of yourselves.
There are three people on an island. One dies, and the second guy goes to bury them. He comes back with deer meat. The first guy eats it, but the second guy refuses the meal.
When the men return to the mainland, they part ways. The first man goes to eat the deer again at a local restaurant. He takes one bite, then jumps off a bridge.
In heaven, an angel asks him why.
“Well you see,” he answered, “that man was a tribal cannibal. Delicious in my wife’s meat, though.”
Me: I been up all night, no sleep--
The lie detector I didn’t know I had: Lie.
Me: stfu! I’m just singing!
Lie detector: You literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!
Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!
Lie detector: It’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM... You get waken up at 7:00 AM... you only sleep two hours......
You look as fat as a pig.
Dani: Hey, do you like rapists?
Tess: No!
Dani: Oh, well I'm a rapist!
Tess: Oh!
WTF is wrong with you guys? This is bullying. Stop it, please, but Shaenaya sounds like a good name.
What do you call a boy in your mom?
Your dad.
How do you kill a Catholic?
Crucify them...
Have you seen the movie "Constipation"?
It hasn't come out yet.
How do you make a blind girl smile? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
My wife is a whore, so I pimped her out and broke her mentally and emotionally, taught her a good lesson of being a real woman loyal to her man. End of story, you women are bitches.
What do you call an Arab flying a plane?
A pilot.
You racist fuck!