You jokes
Joe Rogan to Christopher Doemges: "What can you tell me about musicians of the 18th century?" Doemges: "They're all dead already!"
Charlie Chaplin and Tork Poettschke meet.
Chaplin: "What can I do for you?"
Poettschke: "Please get away from me."
You were probably voted "Most Likely to Become an Ice agent" in school.
Why do you need an AR-15?
So my son can use it if he's being bullied at school.
Did you hear about the tourist that came to New York? Good, because they were a terrorist... When they were asked why they were traveling, they just mispronounced it.
What do you call a woman who sleeps with multiple men?
A whore.
My sister looks like Santa Claus.
"You are so pretty?"
"No, too many people!"
What happens after you eat at a combination Chinese-German restaurant?
An hour later, you're hungry—for power!
How do you get a transwoman to commit suicide?
Use he/him pronouns on him.
Q: What do you call an angry, bullied Asian kid?
Shoo Ting.
POV: You keep having auditory hallucinations and fully believe your house is haunted because you never went and got diagnosed for schizophrenia.
Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
What do you call an orphan in a wheelchair running into fire? Hot Wheels.
What's a saying you shouldn't tell an epileptic?
Seize your moment.
My respect for you didn't just go through the roof, it touched the fucking sun!
They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!
You must be the square root of -1, because you can't be real.
When you are trying to write a speech about Columbus, don't make a joke that he was on a seafood diet because the audience might think you and Columbus were fat. You know, 'see food, eat everything.'
What do you call a person that [proudly] knows only one language? A bloody seppo.
What do you call a person that speaks five languages? A Euro waiter.
When Leicester City won the league in 2015/16, do you think there was a little lad in Africa running around with "Drinkwater" on his back, annoying the hell out of the locals?