People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"
"Yeah, over my dead body!"
You Jokes
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
"Room, you on."
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
Feeling stressed? Have a nice cup of tea and spill it in the lab of the person bothering you.
What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?
How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it, then light it on fire and it will go "WOOF!"
How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Put it in the deep freeze until frozen solid, then run it through an electric saw and it will go "MMMRROWWWWWW!"
You look like your mom and your dad had a child.
When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,
So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"
Science can fly you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?
A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.
Welcome to Dave’s orphanage. You make it, we take it.
In what city do you always lose your mum? Mumbai.
You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...
What do you call a woman covered in mud? A dirty dishwasher.
Riddler: Riddle me this, are you scared of the big black?
Person: Big black what?
Riddler: ...
Person: I'm scared of what you mean because you won't tell me what you mean.
When you went to McDonald's and sat down, you were so fat, they said, "TBC."
Riddler: Riddle me this, are you scared of the big black?
Person: Big black what?
Riddler: ...
Person: I'm scared of what you mean because you won't tell me what you mean.
Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"
