My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
I’d make a rape joke, but I don't wanna force that on you too.
When Knife tells Annoying Orange, "I'm trying something new," Annoying Orange said, "Oh no, are you having a midknife crisis?" and then Annoying Orange laughs.
Boy: Your dick is so small, oh wait, you don't have one.
Older boy: UNO reverse card!
What do you do when an orphan is taking a photo?
Yell "FAMILY PICTURES!"
That moment when you think the music is loud enough to fart and no one would notice, but then you realize that you have headphones on.
What did the bee say to the flower?
"Hey bud! When do you open?"
What do you call a guy at your doorstep with no arms and no legs?
Matt!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef! (aka dinner)
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish?
A crab apple!
What do you call a cow that lives in Africa? Moo-fasa!
What do you call an orphan in Alabama?
A virgin.
When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”
You (DYM 23).
Julie: What's the difference between a chimp and a pizza?
John: I don't know.
Julie: Remind me not to send you to the store...
Snake one: Are we venomous?
Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?
Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)
What do you call the mushy stuff between sharks' teeth?
A slow swimmer...
