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A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

Two terrorists walk into a bar.

The bartender asks what they are talking about. Terrorist 1 says, "We are going to kill 14k people and a donkey."

The Bartender asks, "Why a donkey?"

Then Terrorist 2 says, "See, I told you no one would care about the 14k people."

If you're reading this, you are Nickel and Gallium......

Ni- ........*something else in between the two halves*................Ga

YOU FUCKING MONKEYS!

A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

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    • What do KFC and pussy have in common?

    Both are finger lickin' good, and after you are done eating, you have a box to put the bone in.

    How do you know when a rapper's been in the kitchen?

    The microwave goes, "ding, ding!"

    Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

    Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"

    Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."

    Motivational quote for today: if you think you're dumb, you're probably overestimating your intellectual abilities...

    Motivational Quote for today: If you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...

    God creates dog.

    God: "You are man's best friend."

    Dog: "That's pretty sexist."

    God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak!"

    Dog: "....."

    God: "And chocolate kills you!"

    Dog: "🐶"