You jokes
One dark stormy night when I was 8 years old, I woke up in the middle of the night busting to pee. Half asleep, I walked down the stairs and toward the bathroom and heard a strange whirring sound that sounded like a ghost. When I opened the door, I felt a strange cool breeze and the light came on automatically, and the ghostly sound stopped. Terrified, I did what I had to and went back to bed.
The next 3 nights, the same thing happened, and finally, I decided I had to tell my mom no matter how hard to believe it sounded. The next night I woke up, I went into my parents' room and woke my mom up and said, "You have to come with me and see this, it's really important." Half asleep, she murmured, "Oh, what is it? Can't it wait until the morning?" I pleaded, "No, you have to come see, our bathroom is haunted by a ghost. When I go in the middle of the night, I can hear a ghost sound. Then when I open the door, I feel the cold as it swoops through me, and the light comes on automatically." She yawned and said, "Oh, so that's who's been peeing in the refrigerator."
Are you my fish? Because you're supposed to be dead.
So, once upon a time, there was a man who lived in his house with his wife.
He got up to go out to work and closed the front door behind him.
Not even four seconds later, he came back inside panicking, saying, "There's a rabbit with a gun outside!"
The wife replied, "Oh, don't worry, rabbits don't have guns. They can't shoot people; you must be imagining things."
The man calmed down for a few minutes, and after some reassuring, he eventually decided to try to go back out to work again.
So he stepped outside the front door, and the rabbit shot him.
What do you call a waterfowl looking at you from around a corner?
A Peking duck.
What do you call a kid with Down syndrome trying to beat Minecraft?
“A sped runner.”
How do you keep a blind kid entertained?
You take him to a stadium crowd, then give him a bat and tell him to hit the piñata.
How do you get an orphan's hands to bleed?
Tell him to clap until his parents come home!
Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
What's the difference between a pregnant one and a light bulb?
One you can unscrew.
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.
What do you call nuts on a chin?
My penis in your mouth.
What do you call it when two Mexicans fight?
Juan on Juan.
How do you know if a black lady’s pregnant?
You put a banana up her vagina and see if any little monkeys come and get it.
How do you start a fight in space?
"Comet me, bro."
What do you call a person with a fat brain?
A fat neek!
What do you say after making fun of a disabled person?
"Sorry, I didn't mean to step on your toes."
Are you a Pikachu?
Because you are SHOCKINGLY beautiful!
Pokemon
You must be a Charmander. Because you’re making me hot.
Pokemon.
A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."