What do you call an autistic person with a driver's license?
A LETHAL WEAPON!
You Jokes
Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.
Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.
Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
A grasshopper jumps into a bar.
The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "Seriously? Why would you name a drink Callum?"
What did the toilet say to the other toilet? "You look a bit flushed."
Why are you sitting down to pee? I don't have a good back and can't lift something big.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that is not coming back? A: A stick.
Are you a school? Because I want to shoot a bunch of kids in you.
Are you an orphanage?
Why?
Because I wanna put my kids in you.
What do you call a dead hooker?
It doesn't matter, she won't answer you.
(True story)
One day Sally's mom said, "I can just eat you up!" And Sally says, "No, you can't!" Then the mom asks why and Sally says, "Because I'm a beaner, and we don't taste good."
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
You have more chin than brain cells!
People, when your lover cheats on you, do this!
1. Start a conversation. 2. Say, "What's that smell?" 3. They will smell around. 4. Say, "OMG, it's a b****," and walk away and ignore them.
Ariana Grande, where are you?
How do you surprise a blind guy?
Say, "Surprise!"
I can tell a joke :)
Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
Boobs are like batteries...
AA will get the job done...
C is bigger than AA...
D is bigger that C...
...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!
What did the emo say to the popular kid?
"Go fuck yourself for thinking all emos cut because they don't... y'know, for a matter of fact, fuck all you guys..."
My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.
