You jokes
Most people are scared of clowns. That's why everyone runs away from you.
I still remember my dad's last words, "You c***! You let the ladder go, you cuuunt!"
Smack! He hit the ground and bled out.
I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
Do you know the phrase, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
What plate do you need to eat in a car? A license plate!
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
“You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will have dialogue.”
What do you call it when Red Sox can't pull out?
Boston cream pie.
B: Can you please stop roasting me?
A: At least the "roasting" that I did to you didn't burn you to death.
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
What did the fox say to the fire?
You look hot!
Hispanic and Latino people be like, "No more immigrants!" Like, dude, aren't you an immigrant?
I'd give you a nasty look, but you've already got one.
You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
"Go back to Party City, where you belong!" — Phi Phi O’Hara, RuPaul’s Drag Race.
I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.