What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
You Jokes
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Walnut. Walnut who? I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io!
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Butter. Butter who? I butter not tell you.
So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
Did you hear about the bisexual from Alabama? He can't decide whether to fuck his brother or his sister.
The bell rings, and Ana was about to leave, but the teacher said, "The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do."
The next day, Ana was late, and the teacher asked, "Why are you late?" Ana replied with, "The bell doesn't tell me when I should arrive, I do."
What do you call a group of transgender women? Ex-Men.
How many people can you fit in a car?
6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.
My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"
Computers are females because when they're down, you always charge her.
What's the difference between family and cats...
Cats won't abuse you at Christmas.
What do you say to a ugly girl who claims to have been raped?
“Are you sure you didn’t rape him?”
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.
Have you heard of the work called "ligma balls?"
How do you fit 100 rape victims inside a Mini Cooper?
In the ashtray.
