Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...
Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.
You Jokes
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.
Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?
"I work with animals," a man said on his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who works with animals. Where do you work?" "At the butcher shop!"
Are you free tomorrow?
No, I’m expensive, sorry. 💵💸
What do you call security guards working outside of Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy. 🌌
What do you get when you cross a Jamaican with a ginger?
A gingerbread man.
So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."
Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."
I was an orphan as a kid, but I have never had a bitch, so I asked this cheerleader to homecoming, and she said, "Mofo, you are only coming to hoco because you need a home to go to!"
So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.
My dad starts laughing at me.
Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”
Me: “Why dad?”
Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”
Like if you have a dick, or you are an orphan.
Like if you think I'm stupid.
What do you call a united cow?
United Steaks.
You know it’s called the circle of life? Because there’s no point to it.
When you're lonely, watch a scary movie. You won’t feel lonely anymore!
Why should you always knock on the fridge door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing.
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
How do you know when a joke has turned into a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
Windows could not connect to the Internet, would you like to search online for a solution to this problem?
You know I used to call my dogs' balls the Twin Towers, until they came rumbling down.
9/11 hahahahaha. Lawrence, I hope you read this!
