Mickey: I want a divorce!
Minney: Are you fricking crazy?
Mickey: No, I'm fricking Daisy!
You Jokes
A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."
What do you call a squad of emo kids?
Suicide Squad.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
El, if I know.
Why do you always high five the emo person? 'Cause you can't just leave them hanging.
Roses are red, violets are blue, when I saw you I thought you can mix too.
What does a baby and a grenade have in common?
They both make noise after you throw them.
How do you turn a Chinese person into an American? Put a bag of ice on their eyes.
Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?
They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
Waiter: "Here you go, one medium-rare steak."
Me: "I like it well done."
Waiter: "Thanks, that means a lot!"
The dark side of kid songs:
You got a friend in me... you got a friend in me!
Kidnapper: Hey kid, your parents told me to pick you up.
Kid: Sir, this is an orphanage.
Kidnapper: ...
You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!
Why does Sans say "I got a bone to pick with you?"
Because he needs to pick your balls.
That shit was trash. You can't handle me.
Hold up. Aren't you Nathaniel B.?
What do you call a door? A floor.
Have you ever seen a blind man swim?
No.
Neither has he.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
COP: Are you high?
ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
