You jokes

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

What gets long when you put it, slides into holes, and likes to squeeze between boobs?

A seatbelt.

Do you ever look at someone and think, "You must have been conceived at a family reunion"?

What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

What’s the worst thing about having a wife with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

What do you call an @EB with no ears?

An Explain B.

What do you call a child version of Batman?

The Raped Crusader.

What do you call a cold Explain bear?

A brrr.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

What do you call it when the Edmonton Oilers play against the Nashville Predators? A Diddy Bowl.

What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut, you fucking racist.

How do you piss off a midget?

Give them a yo-yo and tell them to play with it.

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

What do you call two homeless people throwing rocks at each other?

A pillow fight.

I got you the candy. Haha! You idiot, it's poison!

Q. What do you call anal sex with a politician?

A. A backroom deal.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

You ever try sexting with AI? Every time I type “I’m coming,” it replies, “Coming where? Need directions?”

A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”