You jokes

American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"

Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."

Hey, guy, you suck! Why do I suck? Because you're the one that's sucking juice out of a straw.

What do you call a blowjob from a girl who has autism?

Special head.

Why should you always give an emo a high five in the hallway? You can’t leave them hanging.

How do you tell an Indian person from a Muslim?

Are you 7/11 or 9/11?

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

What do you call a Japanese car thief?

Tommy took a motor.

Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.

I said I’m losing my mind. My friend said, “You didn’t have much to begin with.”

I started a company making coffins. The slogan? 'We're dying to meet you.'

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you run out of money.

"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

"Say what you want about the deaf."

Sometimes, you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.

When you accidentally make your joke too dirty and get in shit from Explain Bear.

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?

One of them is really loud when you iron it.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.