You jokes

This guy goes to a bar and pulls out a little guy playing the piano. The bartender asks him where he got a small man with a piano.

The guy points outside to a genie granting people wishes. The bartender runs out and 1 million ducks appear.

The bartender yells at the genie saying, “Are you fucking deaf? I asked for 1 million bucks, not 1 million bucks!”

The guy from the bar says, “No shit! You think I really asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.

I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.

The best news about a pretty girl with special needs is that you can get her to do exactly what you want her to do.

I mean, she probably thinks receiving oral is like 100% blood sausage coming right at her.

Women should be seen and not heard.

But how would you control that if she was screaming "NO!!!" in the bedroom?

You look like a heroin addict in a women's refuge.

Did you hear about the bull who went on a shooting rampage?

I guess he was a little deranged.

Comic: God, you're a fuckin' virgin, aren't you?!

Gerald: No! I've been 'round the block loads of times; women practically drool over me.

Comic: Yeah, and the Archbishop of Banterbury, mate. A name like Gerald, and with added 'four eyes' like them shit pair of glasses from FOUR EYED SPECCY INSTITUTION, mate, the only woman your dick has been in was when you were inside your mom's womb.

I said, "Are you half left or half right?"

"Neither! In-between."

"What?! In between your mom's tits when you go to sleep with her at night?"

Why is a ghost so predictable?

Because you can see right through it.

Political correctness has gone too far! You have to say "cognitive decline" rather than "Alzheimer's ridden shitbag"!

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

How come you never see a gay person in a wheelchair?

It’s hard to be a fruit, when you’re already a vegetable.

What do you call a white person having a seizure?

A saltshaker.

If you're ever in need of a punching bag, just go to your local Alzheimer's unit.

They'll forget you were there in like three minutes.

You really seem like you don't want to be laughing at that rape joke, but somewhat ironically, I'm forcing you.

When we take a family photo, you are the background.

Your hairline is so far gone that you could build a runway.

What do you call a Greek necrophiliac?

Con Fuckacarcass.

Q. What do you call a biracial kid in a vegetative state?

A. A mixed vegetable.

Q. What do you call a rich person who is in a vegetative state?

A. A loaded potato.