You jokes
Sometimes, you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?
When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.
When you accidentally make your joke too dirty and get in shit from Explain Bear.
On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.
On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.
What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?
One of them is really loud when you iron it.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.
Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!
Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.
Doctor: I didn’t.
Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.
Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."
You know how 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9?
Well, how do you think 10 feels being in the middle of 9 11?
What did a man say to his boy?
You are my son.
What disease do you get from shoving a dirty, rusty piece of metal up your ass? Tetanus.
My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"
Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."
Roses are red, violets are blue.
My heart is dead.
I’m such a fool.
Why did I fall for you?
Q: How do you stop babies from being conceived through incest?
A: Cum on your cousin's face.
I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."
"But why?" I replied.
"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.
"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.
What do you call a man with a Johnny on his nose? Fuck nose.
What’s the worst thing about having a sister with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.