You jokes

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!

I'm sure you could be the smartest person in your class.

If it were a class for the profoundly retarded.

What did the 9/11 survivor say when he went back to his family? "You won't believe it! The Twin Towers became conjoined twins when it happened!"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

If you think I would joke about Alzheimer's, forget it.

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from the feminists.

What is the first thing you would do if you woke up as a woman?

"Probably the dishes."

What do you call a pig in a blanket?

My wife on a cold day.

Did you know that water is wet?

How do you stop a woman from choking?

Back up an inch.

What did one gay sperm say to the other? "You think we’ll find the egg and all this shit?"

A black dude shows up to a job interview for a watermelon farmhand gig, resume full of fried chicken joint experience. The boss asks, "Why should I hire you?" He stutters, "Uh, I got skills in... uh..." Before he can finish, a hulk-like, veiny, muscular, giant transgender man storms in, straps him to the interview desk with velvet cuffs, drips hot wax on his back from a candle shaped like a massive dick, and rams his ass relentlessly while whispering, "Welcome to the team, bitch. Your probation starts now."

What do you call a race car driver with Down syndrome? Down shift.

When the priest said, "Be gone from this boy, demon!" the demon replied, "And you get out of the boy!"

What do you call an under-the-weather seven?

A sick seven.

Your mama is so fat, the photo I took of her last Christmas is still printing.

You know the saying, "Third time's the charm?"

Well, Germany lost twice.

When you were late to school and your teacher called you tardy, she meant that in more ways than one.

What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?

"Nice tits, bitch."