A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
What do you call a man with 6.022 x 10^23 dollars?
A Moleionaire.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?
Take a flute and shove it up your ass.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
