You Jokes

Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Knock knock who? I'll knock knock you out if you don't stop.

Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."

"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

How do you saw an apple with no mouth?

A P P L E

A bully chokes me. I simply say, "Joke's on you, I like being choked!"

What do you call an octopus dad?

An octodad.

Do you want to go to the pool?

Yes? Well, water you waiting for?

what's the difference between an onion and a baby?

nobody cries when you cut up the baby.

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your way into someone's pants.

The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."

Chuck: Do you have holes in your underpants?

Teacher: No, of course not.

Chuck: Then how do you get your feet through?

Did you hear about the boy who sat under a cow?

He got a pat on the head.

What do you get if you cross a zebra and a donkey?

Zeedonk.

What's the difference between a boring teacher and a boring book?

You can shut the book up.

I was eating this girl out the other night, and I tasted horse semen, so I said to her, "Oh, that's how you died, grandma!"

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss!

What's the difference between a fish and a car?

You can tune a car... but you can't TUNA fish! x3

We all know the joke: Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 8 9.

But do you know why 9 is scared of 7?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 square meals a day (3 squared).

I would tell you a science joke, but I know I won't get a reaction.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? At least it was a soft drink.