A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
What do you call an octopus that fights sharks?
An octobrave.
How many babies do you need to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can't drink and derive.
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."
What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?
It has an extra crumb-osome.
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
What do you call someone with Down Syndrome who smokes weed?
A baked potato.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
What's the difference between PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with the terrorist.
