I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.
What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.
"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
Yo mama so fat, you must refuel twice to run over her with a car.
