Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?
Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.
Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?
It's called "One More Thyme."
Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?
They say he had locomotives.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What do lesbian vampires say after sex?
"See you next month."
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What's big, green, has four legs, and if it falls out of a tree, it can kill you?
A pool table.
What do you call a drunken Muslim?
Mohammered.
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
Just because she weighed as much as two women... Doesn't mean you had a threesome.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A stego-sore-ass.
