Son: Mom, I did the test and I have cancer!
Mom: YOU HAVE CANCER?!
Son: Mom, as my zodiac symbol...
Mom:....
Son: Mom, I did the test and I have cancer!
Mom: YOU HAVE CANCER?!
Son: Mom, as my zodiac symbol...
Mom:....
How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?
You pull down your pants and show it your nuts.
What do you call two Mexicans in a sleeping bag?
A Twix.
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
You do not spell "computer" like this; you spell it like this: "cumputer."
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Guy: "What's the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: "Good news?"
Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."
One day Johnae said, "What do you call a family outing?"
"Incest."
Low key Johnae fucks Kirby and Peach.
Someone was crushing a bag of chips. I said, "Are you making edibles?"
Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."
What do you call a kid watching Star Wars by themselves?
Hans Solo.
What do you call a crazy computer?
Wired.
Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.
What do you say to a fat Asian?
You got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
What do you call milk that gets everything she wants?
Spoiled milk.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotofpuss.
A man and a boy are walking into a forest. It begins to get dark. The boy says "Mister, I'm scared." The man replies "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't coming.
Did you know Hellen Keller has a pool?
Neither did she.