What is similar about a dog and a woman? You can ask them to come.
You Jokes
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”
If a person walks off a hundred-foot cliff and halfway down screams, "Why did I do that?" Then a second person walks off the same one-hundred-foot cliff and screams the same verse, "Why did I do that?" Then another person walks off the cliff and screams the same line, "Why did I do that," and the next person does the same thing. What do you call that?
(Stupid People)
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
What do you call a zombie?
Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.
How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?
A blender.
How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.
What did one needle say to the other?
"You be looking sharp!"
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was "Raraaaughhaugh."
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends, how hard can you throw them?
A boy with Down Syndrome was talking with his mom.
“Mom, why did God make me like this?” he said.
“It’s because God made you special,” she said.
“Just kidding, I was only talking about your needs.”
What do you tell a dead metal fan?
Rust in peace.
What does a blowjob from an 80-year-old and bungee jumps have in common?
You feel the rush, but don't look down.
Is it okay to say "nice to meat you" to a vegan?
What do you call a downy under water?
Dead fish
How many feminists do you need to change a light bulb?
One. She puts the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around her.
...just kidding-
- none. They can't change anything.
What did the mommy tomato tell the little tomato?
You better ketchup!
What do you call a hillbilly girl who's faster than her brothers?
A redneck virgin.
These jokes cheered me up from suicide. This is amazing material. God bless all of you.
When you mix a wizard, a rabbit, and a songwriter together, you get 24 carrot magic.
What do you call a belt made of watches? A waste of time.