You Jokes

Where do you take Stephen Hawking when he dies?

The Apple repair store.

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."

I told my mother I'm a sexy cunt. She said, "No, you got cancer, you twat."

How do you fit three flags on a bar stool?

Flip it over!

Did you know that, statistically, 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile? Not me though, not me though; I live next door to a lil 10 year old boy with a FAT ASS yenno what I'm sayin'???

How do you get 50 babies into a car?

You blend them.

I was at the store during a storm one time. I guess you could say it was story.

John: Hi, boss, it is raining heavily today, so I will not be coming.

Boss: You stated in your job application that swimming was your hobby, so see you at 11 AM.

Don’t worry if you have a stroke.

You’ll be all right.

Babies can spread a nasty smell,

especially when you haven't fed them for a month.

Are you in the alphabet 'cause I wanna give you the D.

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

You know the sport that Mexicans are good at?

Cross-country.

You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time your friends have a group picture.

What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.

So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."

Kid: How much do you get paid?

Teacher: Minimum wage.

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me."

We never saw him again.

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew the lightbulb.