How do you close a cabinet?
You closet! Hahahhyaahhahaaahhahaha!
Even though you are a meateater, you can still totally be a vegetarian.
Girlfriend after sex: How did you get so good at eating pussy?
Boyfriend: My mom taught me.
Can I tell you a cat joke?
Yes, 'cause it's purr-fect.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
You give them a Sandy Hook.
You know, I got a SKELETON of these jokes. All are HUMERUS. Yeah, this gets under people’s SKIN, but I guess you could call their FUNNY BONE BROKEN! People try and hit me when this happens, luckily, I got THICK SKIN! Yeah, thanks for listening. Hope you got these puns down TO THE BONE!
What do you call a goat?
A goat.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
What do you call a mariachi band sinking in Mayonnaise?
Cinco De Mayo.
Can I get a glass of water? I will give you anything you ask.
Really, then give me a pond of water.
If you overdose on Viagra, do you die... hard?
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
I love going to Hooters and looking at the menu... If you know what I mean;)
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you, that is who.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Esteban.
Esteban who?
If you do not open the door, Esteban you!
What is similar about a dog and a woman? You can ask them to come.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”
If a person walks off a hundred-foot cliff and halfway down screams, "Why did I do that?" Then a second person walks off the same one-hundred-foot cliff and screams the same verse, "Why did I do that?" Then another person walks off the cliff and screams the same line, "Why did I do that," and the next person does the same thing. What do you call that?
(Stupid People)
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
