Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.
if you throw it hard enough.
Dear math,
Please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you.
Thanks.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?
Russell
What is a room you can not enter?
A mushroom.
You know, when women clean their nails with chemicals, no one cares, but when Hitler tries to clean Poland with chemicals, everyone goes crazy.
You are all going to be pun-ished!
How does the sea say hello?
It WAVES you.
SEA what I did there?
I'm SHORE you saw it.
Don't be SALTY!
How many gay guys can you fit on a barstool? 4... if you turn it upside down.
What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?
"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"
There is a thin line between death and life!
You won't live to see it.....
The Cardiogram will!!
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal; its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
What do you call a bunch of people near each other?
The start of the Hollacoast.
How do you tell a child they have cancer?
With a smile on your face.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotta-puss.
"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me!"
Joe, I wish you had never asked me to scout for a fresh tight end.
Life is beautiful, but you are ugly.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
What do you call a snail without a shell?
Dead.
