You jokes
What did Yoda say to Luke during his wedding ceremony?
"May divorce be with you."
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"
She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."
The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"
The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"
"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"
The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."
What do you call a dog with no legs?
...You can't call it anything. It won't come to you.
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot Wheeles.
Don’t you just wanna hang around, like Chester?
Women are like dogs...
"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"
"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"
"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."
SHOES
When you’re hunting at a forest resort and you shoot a deer, but then you remember that there are no deer at the forest resort.
You are about to hear the funniest joke ever.
My life.
What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?
At least you don’t die when you shower.
Are you Google?
Because you got all I am searching for.
Did you sit in sugar?
Because you've got a sweet ass.
My mom gave me a golden shovel and a hoe. I said, "Why do I need this?" She said, "That you every year."
Me: Have you ever tried African food?
You: No.
Me: They haven't either.
What's the difference between eggs and you? Eggs get laid, you don't.
Q: What did the cannibal say to the leper?
A: You gonna eat that?
A Mexican boy said, "I can't do this." Then a guy says, "You can do it, we are Mexican, not Mexicant."
Spock went to the Enterprise's toilet and he knocked on it. "Kirk, are you in there?" Spock asked.
Kirk answered, "Hold on, I am making a captain's log."
You know how many people said, "This ship will never sink?"
They jinxed it by saying "never sink."
Him: I work with animals all day.
Her: Awwww what do you do?
Him: I'm a pornstar.
How do you make a handkerchief dance?
You put a little boogie in it.