So a mushroom walks in a bar and the waiter says, "You can't be here."
And the mushroom says, "Why? I'm a fungi!"
What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?
The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.
Yo mamma so stupid when a robber stole her TV, she ran after him saying, "You forgot the remote!"
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.
What do you get when you cross a Muslim in a trench coat and a duffel bag?
A sad news story.
This for you roman y e e e nt
Friend: you know how I like my women like my coffee.... Hot Me: what If you don't like coffee:(
What do you call a dog with no legs?It doesn't F#@$ mader it still not F#@$ coming
Me: Have you seen a Mr. Weewoo?
Most people: No.
Me: He drives the ambulance downstairs.
A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.
He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.
The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.
Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"
I was talking to my old friend. They said, "We should hang out more!"
I said, "You mean we should ketchup?"
Did you walk up Stephen Hawking's drive?
Don’t worry, he didn’t either.
So, there are these 3 strings, they walk into a bar. People are giving them looks. The small chap is your typical thin cord. He walks to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. He replies, "Oii, your kind ain't welcomed here, so take your drink, mates, and fuck off."
He goes back to his mates and says, "We'd better get outta here." "Nonsense," replies the mid guy, he's your typical string. Goes to the barman and same story. Finally the last guy, he's your typical rope. He burst out, "Fuck this!" He twits and ties himself whilst messing up his hair. He struts up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman does so and whilst he prepares the drink, he opens with, "Say, aren't you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Tuxedos suit you.
If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".
But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.
Pickup line; Hey mama, you school? Cuz I'd like to shoot some kids up in you.
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
Roses are red, I like weed,
If you say yes then I'll do a "good deed."
What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.
A man gets captured by cannibals.
Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."
