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Me: It smells like good fam.

Friend: What's good fam?

Me: Nothing much, what about you fam?

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

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    • How did the skeleton know it was about to rain?

    "Because he felt it in his bones?"

    No,

    He read the weather app, you idiot.

    What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?

    You can't fuck a rock.

    My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

    A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

    The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

    Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

    How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

    You nail its other hand to the ground.

    Alright, my sister is ALWAYS dancing randomly all the time, and what I say is, "Go get you boyfriend, dude!"

    This isn't a joke.

    There was a homeless family in need of a room, but the guy said no more rooms because they were homeless. So, they got into a barn, and the mother gave birth to a young healthy boy. Before you say anything bad to a homeless man, that little boy was born on December 25th. Guess who it is.

    JESUS CHRIST!!!!!! STOP HURTING THE HOMELESS PEOPLE AND START HELPING THEM!!!!!!!!

    The other day, I donated my car keys, $1,000, and a passport to a homeless man.

    You could feel the happiness come from me after he holstered his suppressed shotgun.