A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ.
"My headphones are broken, Lord... I'm desperate... What should I do? Guide me!"
And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man's soul.
"WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS!"
And so he did.
How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?
What do you call a white girl at Starbucks?
At home.
If you are dehydrated, you should get well soon.
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
Why can’t you high five a Japanese person?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
The greatest bond you will ever have is the one with your conjoined twin.
What do you call a baby in an elevator?
Lubrication.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
Take your foot off its head.
When the school lets you near children again...
When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?
"One, he killed himself."
Why can't you hear a dinosaur clap? They're dead.
Did you hear about the delivery boy that worked for that Italian Restaurant down the street?
Yeah, he Pasta-Way.
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.
What do you call a dog that's faced backwards?
A god.
The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.
A child asks his teacher to go to the toilet.
"Before you go, recite the alphabet," the teacher says.
"a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"
"Good, but where's the p?"
"Running down my leg."
What type of jam can you not eat?
Traffic jam.
Q: How can you tell that a pedophile likes music?
A: He rapes D minor.