When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
No, it's not just a crotch grab. Jacko was jacking it on stage when he saw a 6-year-old boy in the front row.
A pedophile is playing poker with 8 seven-year-olds.
The pedophile has a pair of 7's and three 4's in the river. He smiles and says, "Yay, I got me a full house!"
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.
I was raped everyday for years. I can still smile. I hold the record for the widest asshole.
My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.
Then I asked him how many years ago.
He replied with, "When were you born?"
What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"
So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.
Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)
Frank: Yo
Fred: Hi...
Frank: U heard about de competition?
Fred: Yeah...
Frank: You wanna hang out?
Fred: .......
Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.
Fred: ...I(
Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.
Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.
What do you call a 100-year-old frog?
An old croak!
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
🎆 New Year's Eve
Lil Johnny👦: "Every year the same, people always have to start banging before midnight!"
Mom👱🏻♀️: "Johnny, would you please leave the bedroom now?"
Dad👨🏻🦰: "Son, if you don't leave, it'll bang on your head!"
While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.
We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.
Happy new year! 🥳
Q. If I go 1 on 1 with Harvey Weinstein, I won't get raped?
A. I'm not a 14-year-old girl.
Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year.
Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, I give you bad luck for 7 years.
Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.
Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.
Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....
Mom: It's a pillow fort.
Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?
Mom: You're almost 19 years old.
Me: Not good enough... OUT!
The mirror says: "If you break me, you will have 3 years of bad luck."
The Magic Jewel says: "If you break me, you will have 10 years of bad luck."
The condom just sitting there laughing.
