I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.
Why was Mrs. Claus upset?
Because Santa only comes once a year.
👱♀️ 👱♂️What is the difference between two blondes and a Libertarian?
A Libertarian hasn't won a presidential election since 1972, and two blondes are too stupid to run in a presidential election.
Why didn't Michael Jackson date 25 year olds?
Because there were only 20 of them.
Why does Michael Jackson like 44-year-olds? There's 4 of them.
What Costco food is associated with Michael Joseph Jackson?
The Jackson dog. It's 49-year-old sausage between 6-year-old buns.
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.
We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.
When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.
A pedophile is playing poker with 8 seven-year-olds.
The pedophile has a pair of 7's and three 4's in the river. He smiles and says, "Yay, I got me a full house!"
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.
I was raped everyday for years. I can still smile. I hold the record for the widest asshole.
My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.
Then I asked him how many years ago.
He replied with, "When were you born?"
What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"
🎆 New Year's Eve
Lil Johnny👦: "Every year the same, people always have to start banging before midnight!"
Mom👱🏻♀️: "Johnny, would you please leave the bedroom now?"
Dad👨🏻🦰: "Son, if you don't leave, it'll bang on your head!"
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
What do you call a 100-year-old frog?
An old croak!
Aboriginals around for 50,000 years invented the spear.
