What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
Nothing... They both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.
My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.
Then I asked him how many years ago.
He replied with, "When were you born?"
A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.
After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.
After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year. Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, i give you bad luck for 7 years. Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.
A 6 year old girl decides to get baptized, she walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her In the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl was drowned and died... later on when the pastor was better and thrown in jail. All he had to say to the mortified family was “well, at least she’s in heaven!”
play dead they said wasn't to hard I've been dead inside for years
I don't know why everyone cares so much about 3D printers. I've had a Canon printer for years.
A father of a young girl comes and meet the doctor. Father : Doctor...... How is my daughter's report ? Doctor : Congrats..... Your daughter is pregnant. Father : WTF ?????? Mt daughter is 10 years old and unmarried.
I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F... OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha yeah she was mad. Anyways thats why your mother and I are getting a divorce Timmy.
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.
What’s the best thing about fucking twenty eight year olds?
There’s twenty of them
Let girls live is 9 years old omg right??😔😊😊😊
I like my women like I like my wine.
Twelve years old and tied up in my basement.
history teacher: They had a temporary cure for the disease , but it would be years before the found a cure for life. Student: I need that.
Yo mama so fat, it took the flash 40 years to run around her.
My mom gave me a golden shovel and a hoe, I said why do I need this she said that you every year.
A Pedphile brings his Eight year old Daughter to the doctors office. The doctor asked her if she would like some Candy? Her father replies please no more candy for her i gave her enough today.
A pedophile is at a School Parent night. He's holding hands with a Eight year old Girl when he's approached by another parent. She says to him oh what a darling little girl you have there. The Pedophile replies no then points his finger to a child across the room and says that's my child.
