I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Chuck Norris would have died a couple of years ago, but death hasn't built up the courage to tell him.
What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOOMERANG AND MY DAD only the boomerang came back its been 14 years wheres my dad
What’s the best thing about sex with 119 year olds? There are 100 of them
What do you call a 100-year-old frog?
An old croak!
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
What's the difference between 20 and 14?
9 to 10 years.
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"
The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."
When Chuck Norris breaks a mirror, the mirror gets seven years of bad luck.
H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?
W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.
*Later that day*
W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?
H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.
When the Lego box says 6-99 years but you eat it in 20 minutes.
Steven Hawkings Sesh Cave, Entry 50p, Guaranteed Budweiser and Ectasy. Maybe A Gram of Heroin, You'll most likely see a mental 90 year old guy absolutely going mental on the dance floor with a Stella in one hand and another on his crotch.
1: My grandpa died last year.
2: What kind of cancer?
1: He was hit by a bus! It's called bus cancer.
When was the first Black Friday?
1619.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
What happened to the eight year old boy that needed to go to the bathroom during church? The priest stopped him on the way there
This isn't a joke. My dad went to the shops for some bread 16 years ago. He still hasn't returned. Should I be worried yet? Or should I wait a year?
