Work jokes

On Christmas, Mexicans wake up in the morning, then take a nap.

Joking, I know they work hard. They run all the way to the border to decorate the barbed wire.

Please read all of it. I know it's long, please read all of it.

This dad heard his daughter praying. As she was praying, she came to an end: "Goodnight grandma, goodbye grandpa, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy." The dad didn't think about the grandpa part and headed to bed. The next morning, the mom and dad heard that the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just coincidence, so he carried on with his day. At night, he heard his daughter again: "Goodbye grandma, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy." After he heard "goodbye grandma," his facial expression changed, and he went straight to bed. The next morning, the grandma died out of nowhere. The dad began to worry and continued on with his day. At night, he heard his daughter again: "Goodbye daddy, goodnight mommy." The dad got scared, so he had a plan to go to work and stay hidden there. So that's what he did. When he got home the next day, his wife asked where he had been, and he replied back, "Sorry honey, I had a horrible day today." She replied back saying: "Oh, you think you had a bad day? The mailman just died on the front porch this morning!" If you get it, you get it.

What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

A friend called me a while back saying, "I have COVID.... I can't breathe, I really have a hard time breathing."

I reply saying, "Dude, you need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. I love working at an orphanage.

A young boy is in a tepee with his father, just after his sister's naming ceremony. Curious to how it works, he asks his dad, "Father, why is my sister's name Tulip?"

His father responds, "That is her name because a tulip was the first thing she saw when she first opened her eyes."

The boy was still puzzled. "What about big brother Sparrow?"

"His name is Sparrow because a sparrow landed on him when he first began walking."

The boy finally asked how he was named. "Well, we decided to name you the same way as your sister."

The boy nods with understanding, "Thank you, father."

"No problem, Two-Dogs-Fucking."

I have a bunch of jokes about unemployed people. It's a shame they never work!

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?

Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...

I would make a disabled joke.

But they never work.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"

I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."

This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."

What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?

It is ground breaking!

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?

Punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.