Work jokes

Why did the dwarf work at Tesco?

Because every little bit helps!

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

I aced my poker test...

My teacher asked me to reflect on my work, so I got a mirror...

A caffeinated vampire goes to sleep in a coffin...

Do you get my puns? No, because you can't seem to get a grasp on how bad they are...

A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.

If someone told me to bring up 9/11, they were trying to make a funny joke, but it didn't work.

That one really *crashed and burned*.

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?

Punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.

A skeleton had a job interview, but he looked messy.

I had to fix his collarbone.

I see that you start work at 9am, but your hairline starts at 9:15am.

My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

So one day a boy was at his dad's work when another little boy ran in crying. Then the dad said, "Aw, little boy, are you lost? Where's your parents?" And the little boy at his dad's work said, "OMG! Dad, you can't say that!"

Why can't he say that?

Answer: He works at an orphanage.

Anyone else on here looking at depressing jokes to make themselves feel better? Not that it's working, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone. Well, enough with the sob story, I gotta go get my razors. See ya in the long run.

How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?

Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work…

I’ll make a joke about homeless people, but they just don’t work.

Please read all of it. I know it's long, please read all of it.

This dad heard his daughter praying. As she was praying, she came to an end: "Goodnight grandma, goodbye grandpa, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy." The dad didn't think about the grandpa part and headed to bed. The next morning, the mom and dad heard that the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just coincidence, so he carried on with his day. At night, he heard his daughter again: "Goodbye grandma, goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy." After he heard "goodbye grandma," his facial expression changed, and he went straight to bed. The next morning, the grandma died out of nowhere. The dad began to worry and continued on with his day. At night, he heard his daughter again: "Goodbye daddy, goodnight mommy." The dad got scared, so he had a plan to go to work and stay hidden there. So that's what he did. When he got home the next day, his wife asked where he had been, and he replied back, "Sorry honey, I had a horrible day today." She replied back saying: "Oh, you think you had a bad day? The mailman just died on the front porch this morning!" If you get it, you get it.

Why are the towers working out? They have big thighs!

So the other day my black friend and I were working on a group project. He was so slow so I whipped him to make him faster.

Why did the frog take the bus to work?

His car got toad.

This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."

So, I was laying in bed and it's winter, so my room is always cold because the heater doesn't work.

And I was thinking.... It would be warmer if someone else was laying here with me.... Then I laughed because who would wanna be with me. Hahaha

What's the difference between George Bush and Donald Trump?

One is into airline security, and one is into wall, turrets, and rockets.

What's the similarity between George Bush and Donald Trump?

It just doesn't work...