Work jokes

I would make a joke about 9/11, but my career would crash and burn.

Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.

What's the difference between economy and Vietnamese?

Economy doesn't work.

Orphan: Can I go outside?

Coworker at orphanage: Go ask your mom.

Orphan: WAWAWAWAWAW

The Lenovo computers at school stopped working.

They had to call an archeologist.

Why are orphans unable to work at S.C. Johnson?

Because it’s a family business.

How do you make a body disappear?

You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!

P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.

They're not jokes, they're notes now, get me?

I am in trouble.

Interviewer: What are your strengths?

Interviewee: I fall in love easily.

Interviewer: And your weaknesses?

Interviewee: Those beautiful green eyes of yours...

I found a key that works for every door at my school.

Bro, are you an Oompa Loompa? Because you look like you just came from the chocolate factory.

I have a joke about construction.

I'm still working on it.

We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."

Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?

Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.

I lick poo for a living... You?

What's an orphan's least favorite day? Take your kid to work day.

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

Did you hear about the man who backed into a meat grinder?

I guess you could say... he was a little behind on his work.

I work at a tire shop.

I'm pretty tired.

I have so many cash machine jokes.

But none of them seem to work ATM.