Work jokes
Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.
How do you make a body disappear?
You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!
P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.
They're not jokes, they're notes now, get me?
I am in trouble.
Interviewer: What are your strengths?
Interviewee: I fall in love easily.
Interviewer: And your weaknesses?
Interviewee: Those beautiful green eyes of yours...
I found a key that works for every door at my school.
Bro, are you an Oompa Loompa? Because you look like you just came from the chocolate factory.
I have a joke about construction.
I'm still working on it.
Q. Why do Skeletons work hard?
A. 'Cause they want the BONEus.
If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.
And if if's and an's were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!
Did you hear the one about the Polish elevator operator?
He was fired from his job because he couldn’t learn the route.
Bully 1 to Bully 2: You're ugly.
Bully 2: Look in a mirror.
Bully 1: Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will work for everyone else.
I have so many cash machine jokes.
But none of them seem to work ATM.
The Lenovo computers at school stopped working.
They had to call an archeologist.
I would make a joke about 9/11, but my career would crash and burn.
Q: Why do orphans work at Olive Garden?
A: Because when you're there, you're family.
We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."
I lick poo for a living... You?
Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?
Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.
What's an orphan's least favorite day? Take your kid to work day.
I work at a tire shop.
I'm pretty tired.