Wordplay jokes

Bad Hitler puns are infuhrerating.

What's Pee-Wee Herman's favorite Michael Jackson song?

Beat It.

What do you call a bear without an ear?

B.

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist.

What do the Spanish people call child abuse? Pedrophile.

You can't be short and depressed because you are compressed.

I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.

What do you call an owl with armor?

A Knight Owl!

What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?

One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.

Why did the bee buzz off?

Because he had to bee somewhere.

Sign outside a hair salon: "We'll color your hair or dye trying."

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

What do you call a fruit that argues against the position it supports?

The Devil's advocado.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.

What's a cannibal's favorite dessert?

Lady fingers.

You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.

I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

Do you guys know how to make a hoe in Minecraft?

You pick it up off the street.

What do you call a horse rider with Down syndrome?

Down Quijote.

Why isn't a koala a bear? It doesn't have the koalafications.