Why did piglet go to the bathroom?
To search for Poo.
My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"
Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.
What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?
Condoms.
What’s the difference between black matter and Black Lives Matter?
Black matter leaves an impact.
what is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Q: What do you call a blind German man?
Q: A not-see (Nazi).
I just shed my pants.
What do you call a Muslim sleepover?
Osamas in Pajamas.
Why is the B so cool? Because it’s in between A and C.
What is Michael Jackson's favorite planet? Uranus.
What do you call a bear without an ear?
B.
I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist.
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.
You can't be short and depressed because you are compressed.
What do you call an owl with armor?
A Knight Owl!
Why did the bee buzz off?
Because he had to bee somewhere.
What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?
One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.
Sign outside a hair salon: "We'll color your hair or dye trying."
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
