Wife jokes
Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
Your mom laughs at your father, because he has an ugly wife.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Why are wives also called a housekeeper?
Because after the divorce, they keep the house.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
"Wait, I can explain everything!"