Whos jokes
I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.
I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.
Sparkling water was invented by Germans. Who else would add gas?
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
*True story*
I saw this guy with a very bad hairline who was painting himself blue and it said "Smurf Paint," but I shouted, "Megamind!"
Memes
My boy best friend needs to have this app rn
Your hairline is so bad when you need a role model who has been having a tough life, you go to your barber.
Why'd the girl fall off the swing?
'Cause she had no arms.
Knock, knock!! Who's there?
Not the girl.
Who hates going to a pizza party?
A weirdough.
A guy who just got robbed says, "I've been hacked, and the hacker ransomware!"
When the person who killed JFK heard "headshot."
Did you know about the guy who invented knock knock jokes?
He won the no-Bell prize.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
Me: Knock knock. Bestie: Who's there? Me: Ben. Bestie: Ben Dover? Me: No, Ben vuyictrbjovtfcybugxrrx. Bestie: Omg how did I forget, hi vuyictrbjovtfcybugxrrx!
Do you want to know my motto when I’m bored?
Punch an orphan, who is he going to tell, his mom?
You telling me Julius Caesar, who has been dead for well over 50 years, made this salad?
I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims: they went through a hundred stories in 10 seconds.
I once had a patient who wanted to change his species.
I'll tell you, he was unBEARable.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Gary. Gary who? Gary a torch.
Q: The person who makes it doesn't say what it is.
The person who receives it doesn't know what it is.
The person who knows what it is doesn't want it.
What am I?
A: A baby.