When David lost his ID, I called him Dave. Where did Dave go during the bombing? Everywhere. Guess who came crawling back?
What do you get when you cross a bisexual male that is a catholic priest and a christian police officer that is a bisexual male and a born again homophobic heteroflexable male that is a christian nationalist who is in the closet a gay man that needs to be force out of the closet by any means necessary
What do you call a musician 👩‍🎤 who drinks soda and sings 🎤 at the same time?
A popsinger.
Confucius says, man who walks through airport door sideways with erection, is going to Bangkok.
About the guy who gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater.... He thought it was the most violent book he'd ever read....
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar, and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks “What’s so magical about it?” the guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. the other tries, but falls of and dies.
The bartender shakes his head, and says.
"Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk superman.
Why did Bob fall off the swing while playing? Because he had no arms. Knock Knock who's there not bob
SERIOUSLY WHO WANTS FUCKING ANNOYING ORANGE AS PRESIDENT
“Why did Susie fall off the swing?” “Because she had no arms”
“Why could she get up off the ground?” “Because she had no friends”
“Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “Not Susie, she’s still on the ground”
“Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?” “Everywhere” “Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?” “Because it was in a different body bag”
“Why did Susie drop her ice cream?” “She was hit by a bus”
“Why did Susie fall off the swing?” “Someone threw a refrigerator at her”
Who says white people can't jump? Have you seen the 911 footage?
What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?
A Sandy Hooker
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
Confucius say, man who go to sleep with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
Do you know how dragon is? You don't know who? It's dragging these 2 liter balls across your pathetic face and slamming it into a fucking dumpster you regret.
Why did little Susie fall off the swing? Because she has no arms or legs. Knock Knock “Who’s there?” Not Susie.
You can understand depression if you are still in school and get bullied by bullies, punished by teachers and scolded by parents for being that quiet kid who says nothing.
Why can't orphans watch "The Simpsons"?
Because they don't know who's Homer.
Russia and Ukraine are running a marathon. Who do you think won? Russia did. Russia gave Ukraine a migraine.
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
