When jokes
I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.
The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."
Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."
So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"
The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"
The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"
What happens when you are playing Undertale, but it's snowy in town? It SNOWED in town!
My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?
At least you don’t die when you shower.
Yo mama so fat when she jumped in the water, the whales started singing "We are a family, even though you fatter than me."
What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?
I cry when I chop up onions.
You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.
Your mama so fat, when she asked for a water bed they put a blanket over the Pacific Ocean.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?
Rrrrrapeit!
Where do feminists go when they die? "Hell's Kitchen."
What does a priest hold on to when having sex?
He holds on to the schoolbag.
I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.
when Ted Bundy found out he was getting the death penalty, he was pretty shocked...
A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.” “I still don’t get it,” responded Little Johnny. “Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny and went off to bed.
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, “OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!”
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.
When you go to Incestry.com instead of Ancestry.com.