When jokes

My brother when he sees a girl.

You know how divers jump off a cliff and land in the water well...

Emos do that too, but when they jump, they don't land in the water.

You're so fat, when you step on a scale it says, "To be continued."

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.

I asked the emo kid if they get jealous when their phone dies.

What does a cannibal ask for when leaving a restaurant?

"Can I have a bodybag?"

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

'Cause they don't got balls to scratch.

My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.

When a person yells, just laugh and remember that they can’t hurt what’s already dead.

What do you call Darth Vader when he dies?

A black alien.

When I went to the basketball pitch, I saw a man dribbling his own balls.

When I saw a kid fall with no legs, I said, "Just walk it off!"

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

Your mom is so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mom to move out of the way.

What do you call it when a man gets high in Panera Bread?

Panera sped.

They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.

It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Nothing, because fish can't talk.

When does the slowest person go as fast as a train?

When he is on the train.

Yo mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed three episodes.

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.