When jokes
Why is it poetic when they have plenty of those German sandals in the store? Because they're Birkenstock.
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.
what's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop up an onion.
What do you get when Glen fucks an orange?
Adam.
What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.
When the grass is bloody, You play in the mud...
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
Your mama so fat, when she stepped on the scale, it said, "One at a time."
Yo mama so stupid that, when she heard about cookies on the internet, she ate her computer.
Your mama is so stupid, when her phone died, she bared it, lol.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a coffee bean grower?
De-calf!
Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.
She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."
Your mama is so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said "Damn!"
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.
Did you know when scientists discovered atoms could split, it blew them all away?
When Stephen Hawking died, I assume his computer crash caused it.
A mushroom walked into a pub.
He asked the bartender to give him a beer.
The bartender said, "I can't, you'll get too rowdy."
The mushroom then said, "Oh come on! When I drink, I'm a fun guy!"
My shirt is only red when I think about sex.
How did Steven Hawkings die?
His wife tripped over his charging plug when he was at 2% battery.