When jokes
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap it on the arse and tell it to keep going!
The person next to me on my flight was shocked when they found out I was Arabian. I lagged so hard my gerber almost fell out of my pocket.
My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.
The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"
What happens when a skeleton does not laugh at your pun?
Looks like someone's funny bone is broken. 😁
When was the only time you could see people base jump without a parachute?
2001/9/11.
What does a husband of a woman do when he is horny?
He goes on a business trip with 100 $1 dollar bills.
"Wanna hear a joke?"
"Sure."
"You SURE will be glad when this dad joke's over."
"That was pretty DAD!"
What happens when a cow jumps over a wire fence?
Udder destruction.
Your mama is so fat that she doesn't get crushed by cars, she crushes cars and babies in strollers on the sidewalk when she falls and doesn't see any remains, so there is no evidence.
When I was in high school, me and my friends would play with this girl who had Down syndrome.
We would get into a circle around her and say, "Nightmare, nightmare!"
Yo mamma so stupid when a robber stole her TV, she ran after him saying, "You forgot the remote!"
What do you get when you cross a Muslim in a trench coat and a duffel bag?
A sad news story.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"
A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.
He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.
The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.
Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"
When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!
What does Helen Keller say when she touches a basketball?
Duhhuuughhhr.
I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.
Superman was flying one day when he saw Wonder Woman laying by the pool completely naked. He thought, "I can fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know what happened." So he then flew down to the pool and did fuck her.
Wonder Woman stood up and said, "What was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole stinks!"