Whats jokes

A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

What do you call an orphan taking a family photo?

A selfie.

What is the hardest part of a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

What do Japanese men do when they vote?

They have an erection.

What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?

A baby in the microwave!

What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?

Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.

What if little Johnny was doing drugs?

"Johnny, Johnny?"

"Yes, Papa?"

"Eating sugar?"

"No, Papa..."

What did the kid with Down syndrome say to his friend?

Nothing, he had no friends.

Adam and Eve are going through the garden when Adam suddenly says, "What race are we?"

Eve responds with, "Ask God, he will tell you." So Adam goes over to a hill and asks, "God, what race are we?"

God says, "You are what you are."

Adam goes back to Eve and says, "We are white." Eve asks how he knew that. Adam responds with, "If we were black, he would have said 'you is what you is'."

What does NASA stand for?

Neil Armweak Sorry Armstrong.

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"

As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."

Are you angry?

Go bully an orphan!

What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his first boyfriend?

Me walking in to the office:

Principal: Tell me what you did?

Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...

What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?

An RC-XD.

What's a suicidal person's favorite type of bath bomb?

A toaster.

What makes 9/11 an inside job?

Someone started calling it 10/7.

What do you call a Black-Asian dictator?

Kim Kong Coon.

What's the difference between you and an egg?

An egg gets laid.