What does the cell ride to work?
A vesicle.
Whats Jokes
What was the epileptic chef’s house special?
Seizure salad.
What's the difference between an Al Qaeda Base and a Pakistani School?
"I don't know man, I just fly the drones."
What does Helen Keller say when she touches a basketball?
Duhhuuughhhr.
What's worse than ten dead babies nailed to one tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
What do suicidal people do in their spare time?
Hang out.
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
Superman was flying one day when he saw Wonder Woman laying by the pool completely naked. He thought, "I can fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know what happened." So he then flew down to the pool and did fuck her.
Wonder Woman stood up and said, "What was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole stinks!"
What's black and sitting in a chair? Steven Hawking after a house fire.
What did the plug hole say to the plug? "We are so in sync."
What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.
What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.
What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.
Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!
Sometimes I look in the mirror and go, "What happened?"
What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?
At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite drug?
Battery acid.
A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.
When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.
"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.
What did the teacher say to the student?
Orange you glad to see me?
What's a tree's least favorite TV show? Chopped!