I was 11 or 12 at the time.
Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...
If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.
What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
Only one of them stops sucking after you slap it.
What time should you go to bed when it's bedtime?
What do you call a un-funny rock?
A normal rock.
What do you call a man off the ground?
Hanged.
What do you say when your brother has too many jeans?
"Gene-ious!"
What is a chicken's favorite day of the week? Fri-day.
What do you call a pig?
Pig.
A guy walks up to me in the street and asks if you have to include the name of an animal in every sentence. I said only if it's relephant.
He says what about vegetables. I said not nesecelery.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.
What do you call a mug? A mug dummy.
What is green?
Grass, you tard!
Q: What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A: A bus full of children.
So, this guy walked into a cannibal bar. The barista asked him what he wants, and the man ordered water. Then he left, because he wasn't a cannibal and just wanted a glass of water.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window, and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down, and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.” I know.
What separates snowmen from snow-women?
Snow balls.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop up an onion.
Ah, what's that on your face? Oh, I forgot, that is your ass. It's so ugly, you stupid-looking bitch!
What do you say to someone's mom?
"You mom gay."
What did the author say when he got a correct answer? "I got it right!"