My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.
You're so damn fat that the only belt that fits you is an asteroid belt.
My diet:
Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...
I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......
What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four chin teller.
Your mama so fat, when Pennywise said, "We all float down here," he saw her and suddenly knew he was mistaken.
Yo mama so fat, she takes up all the space.
Q: How much does a skeleton weigh?
A: A skele-TON.
I have 2000 pounds of one-ton soup.
Why do Indian men marry fat women?
Levi and Andrew are fat.
My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.
Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?
Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.
What's the difference between an elephant and a feminist?
The feminist is overweight.
Why is the penis so light?
Because even thots can lift them.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, a Zippo is a little lighter.
I'm looking for women. Put your height, weight, and bra size in the comments.
There are three men walking down the road, and they come across a farm that is for sale. The three men look at each other and put all their money together to buy the farm. On that farm, there is a cow, a monkey, and a bunch of cow food. The men are out of money, and the farm is going out of business.
One of the men sees that there is a contest for the biggest cow in the county. They entered the contest, but the cow is so thin. Every time they tried to feed the cattle, it would poop and lose weight again, so one of them suggested that they put a cork up the cow's behind. The first guy says, "Okay, then go put a cork there."
"I don't want to do it. You do it."
"No, you do it."
The third guy says, "Let's just get the monkey to do it." And the monkey puts the cork in the cow's behind. They win the biggest cow contest and get the money they need to save the farm.
The second guy realizes that they need to take the cork out of the cow. "Guys, we need to take the cork out of the cow," he says.
"Well, I'm not going to do it. You do it."
"No, you do it."
The third guy says, "Let's just get the monkey to do it again." So the monkey uncorks the cow, and there was a huge explosion. A few days later, the three men wake up in the hospital.
The doctor walks up to the first man and asks, "What happened?"
The first man replies, "All I remember is that horrible sound."
The doctor walks up to the second man and asks, "What happened?"
"All I remember is that horrible smell..."
The doctor walks up to the third man and again asks the same question. The third man looks at him and says, "All I remember is that poor poor monkey trying to put the cork back in."
Yo mamma's so fat, she had to pull down her pants to get to her wallet!
