trump really fractured the US with his 1/6 insurrection...
“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?” “My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was your mother.”
Hey guys, its Hailey here.
Ima start off with henlo ;-;
I know you guys aren't going to believe me because of the assholes who were faking to be me, but if you can try to believe me, I'll explain.
So, Jake. We can't really be together anymore, since we no longer can chat. I'm so sorry.
Basically, my parents caught us on here as you realized. Yayyyy.
I don't have time to say anything else. So I've gotta go, but thankyou guys for everything you did for me.
Also, You won't get any response from me so yea. So sorry guys ;-;
Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark, that instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed? His name is Vladimir Pootin.
1+1=3 If you dont use a condom
Daughter: Hey Dad, can I use your car? Dad: Sure, but first you have to give me a blow job" Daughter: Okay, (proceeds to service dad), Dad, Ewww, your dick tastes like shite!" Dad: Oh that's right, I lent your brother the car
a telescope has two uses: 1. to look in space 2. to see your hairline
So, me and my girlfriend that I just got 7 weeks ago, we’re in class, we had this sub named Mrs. Bellatrix. We both raised our hands and she called on both of us. Me: First of all, are we in kindergarten? We can’t be doing 4x4 kinda stuff. Leah: and also are you from Harry Potter?
bro my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse. The other day he said he couldnt hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...
Your hairline so far back I use it as a ruler to measure things
Bro the US keeps bullying the UK because the queen died and do you know the meme "No Bi***es?" Yeah, they put "No Queen" instead. And guess what? The UK replied this time said, "No Towers?" I was shocked. UK's most devious lick.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but then I turned myself around.
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
2 women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement. Emma turns to Jane and says "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"r> Emma replies with "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
Two guys were beating up someone in an alley, so I stepped in to help.
He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.
How do you blindfold an Asian? You use dental floss.
It was raining sadly all day my wife my 2 daughters and me stuck in the house when wife’s mom and dad just died
Wife:😭😭😭I wish this never happened
Mia our first daughter: momy it’s ok I love whenever I see you🥰🥰
Abby our second daughter: I love u all only if you guys die I won’t but I love you when ur alive 😉😏
Me husband: what kind of nonsense was that you love us when we’re alive but you don’t love us when we’re dead🤥😥😓
Everyone except abby: abby this is serious mommy’s mother and father died. says Mia: yes your mom is sadly down right now you made her more sad😡🤬.says dad:sniffs* abby I had made a discussion I will take to an orphanage I am sorry 😣 when I amd better and happy and I forgot what you said then we’ll get you back.says mom:
This was not a joke I just did this for Love 💕
I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."
Why do orphans use Samsung?
Because iPhone's have home buttons
I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it...we're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.
