US jokes
Stephen Hawking never used a condom. He used a firewall.
How do butts communicate?
By using CRACK-BERRIES!
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a knife? A pork chop.
What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
My father always used to say:
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
Until the accident.
Memes
Parents: Why do you use your phone on the toilet?
Me: The same reason you read the newspaper on the toilet.
What do stomata use to fill their pools?
Chlor-ine.
We used to have a tail on the back... and now it moves forward.
My sister asked where is my book.... me: "itti badi nak hai gufa jaisi dhund us mei."
I told my cousin since we're not blood-related our parents would let us date.
Her pants were on fire.
Yo mama is so fat we need to use yo papa!
Why can't orphans use iPhones?
There's a home button.
Your nose is so big that Apple had to make a custom iPhone that unlocks using Nose ID.
Hi, welcome to Mario's pizzeria/abortion clinic.
Where no fetus can beat us, and your loss is our sauce.
I was at my lecture at Oxford. Professor Albert Pessistein was leading the lecture, teaching us new equations. I asked where I can find a drink, due to my dying of thirst. He said, “big games my friend.”
He then proceeded to teach us, “The greater the Big games, the higher the Bottling!”
One rainy day a NASCAR race was going on and they had no other choice but to use this bitch's forehead. https://sportsrecruits.com/athlete/morgan_tomporowski
What was the thing that Beethoven used the most?
THE OVEN! (BeethOVEN)
My balls are so purple that I use them as crayons, and I am not talking about the balls you play with. I am talking about the boy balls.
"Boiled ham" is what you call a dead Russian.
What do people use more than you that is yours?