US jokes
Why did he go to hell? Because he couldn't use the stairs to Heaven.
Your friend took a shower and used Pantene, but I got a watermelon to keep me clean.
I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!
Gwen, we can chat in 2 months. My aunt just died from COVID, and it is taking forever for us to get there to California. I love you, your boyfriend, Prince!
Why couldn't the orphan use the swing? Because they had no arms.
Memes
A woman once didn't return home for the night, and the next morning when she arrived home, her husband started questioning her about where she had been. She lied, saying she slept at one of her friends' houses.
The man proceeded to call all her friends, all of whom denied her sleeping at their places the previous night.
Meanwhile, somewhere else, a man didn't return home to his wife for the night either. The following morning, his wife started questioning him, and he lied, saying he slept at a friend's house. She proceeded to call all his friends. All of them said that he indeed slept at their places the previous night, and one of them even insisted that he's still there, but he's using the bathroom and he can't talk right now!
Poopy pants! Ha! Got 'em! Use Code Fred_5001 in the Fortnite item shop.
My dad always used to beat me, but he never beat cancer.
Parents: Why do you use your phone on the toilet?
Me: The same reason you read the newspaper on the toilet.
What did the pizzas say to the pizza maker?
CHEESE-US!
Why did the Indian man refuse to use deodorant? Because he wanted to smell like his natural habitat, the shitter.
Stephen Hawking never used a condom. He used a firewall.
Your mom is so ugly that she uses Snapchat filters to make her pretty.
How do butts communicate?
By using CRACK-BERRIES!
What do people use more than you that is yours?
POV: Get a banana cleaner and use it as a sex toy.
What do stomata use to fill their pools?
Chlor-ine.
I used to have an imaginary friend who I could talk to, and he could grant me wishes and stuff... and then I stopped going to church.
What do ants use when they're stinky?
Deodorant.
What was the thing that Beethoven used the most?
THE OVEN! (BeethOVEN)