US jokes
I miss the good old days when you could have a light joke at someone else's expense. Like doing that marital rape thing, it never used to be called that. It used to be called "serving your husband" or "wifely duties". The real joke is that it was legal until 1990.
Why is that a joke?
Because it is piss funny seeing the look on her face when she wakes up in the middle of coitus.
Why is that a joke?
Dude, come on, you want to start your day off happy or not?
Why is that a joke?
She literally looks like she just seen a ghost and sort of flops about trying to fend you off like a rag doll. It's piss funny.
No seriously, dude, why is that a joke? It sounds more like a felony.
What do you call a fat bitch that eats cum from used condoms? Your mom!
Teacher: We have a new student today class, come introduce yourself.
Student: My name is Buttitches.
Teacher: Please tell us your real name.
Student: Buttitches.
Teacher: I’m calling the police.
Police: Son, please tell me your real name or I’m going to shoot you.
Student: Buttitches.
Police: *shoots gun.*
A few days later, the police go to the funeral and sits behind the mom. While crying, the mom says, "My Buttitches!" The police say, "We’ll scratch it, lady."
One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.
Why did he go to hell? Because he couldn't use the stairs to Heaven.
Memes
Your friend took a shower and used Pantene, but I got a watermelon to keep me clean.
I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!
Gwen, we can chat in 2 months. My aunt just died from COVID, and it is taking forever for us to get there to California. I love you, your boyfriend, Prince!
Why couldn't the orphan use the swing? Because they had no arms.
A woman once didn't return home for the night, and the next morning when she arrived home, her husband started questioning her about where she had been. She lied, saying she slept at one of her friends' houses.
The man proceeded to call all her friends, all of whom denied her sleeping at their places the previous night.
Meanwhile, somewhere else, a man didn't return home to his wife for the night either. The following morning, his wife started questioning him, and he lied, saying he slept at a friend's house. She proceeded to call all his friends. All of them said that he indeed slept at their places the previous night, and one of them even insisted that he's still there, but he's using the bathroom and he can't talk right now!
Poopy pants! Ha! Got 'em! Use Code Fred_5001 in the Fortnite item shop.
My dad always used to beat me, but he never beat cancer.
Parents: Why do you use your phone on the toilet?
Me: The same reason you read the newspaper on the toilet.
What did the pizzas say to the pizza maker?
CHEESE-US!
Why did the Indian man refuse to use deodorant? Because he wanted to smell like his natural habitat, the shitter.
Stephen Hawking never used a condom. He used a firewall.
Your mom is so ugly that she uses Snapchat filters to make her pretty.
How do butts communicate?
By using CRACK-BERRIES!
What do people use more than you that is yours?
POV: Get a banana cleaner and use it as a sex toy.