US jokes

A woman once didn't return home for the night, and the next morning when she arrived home, her husband started questioning her about where she had been. She lied, saying she slept at one of her friends' houses.

The man proceeded to call all her friends, all of whom denied her sleeping at their places the previous night.

Meanwhile, somewhere else, a man didn't return home to his wife for the night either. The following morning, his wife started questioning him, and he lied, saying he slept at a friend's house. She proceeded to call all his friends. All of them said that he indeed slept at their places the previous night, and one of them even insisted that he's still there, but he's using the bathroom and he can't talk right now!

My dad always used to beat me, but he never beat cancer.

Poopy pants! Ha! Got 'em! Use Code Fred_5001 in the Fortnite item shop.

Why did the Indian man refuse to use deodorant? Because he wanted to smell like his natural habitat, the shitter.

Stephen Hawking never used a condom. He used a firewall.

What do people use more than you that is yours?

POV: Get a banana cleaner and use it as a sex toy.

My balls are so purple that I use them as crayons, and I am not talking about the balls you play with. I am talking about the boy balls.

Your nose is so big that Apple had to make a custom iPhone that unlocks using Nose ID.

"Boiled ham" is what you call a dead Russian.

Hi, welcome to Mario's pizzeria/abortion clinic.

Where no fetus can beat us, and your loss is our sauce.

One rainy day a NASCAR race was going on and they had no other choice but to use this bitch's forehead. https://sportsrecruits.com/athlete/morgan_tomporowski

I was at my lecture at Oxford. Professor Albert Pessistein was leading the lecture, teaching us new equations. I asked where I can find a drink, due to my dying of thirst. He said, “big games my friend.”

He then proceeded to teach us, “The greater the Big games, the higher the Bottling!”

Why can't orphans use iPhones?

There's a home button.

Helen Keller can use Hodled's words because they are so bad.

What was the thing that Beethoven used the most?

THE OVEN! (BeethOVEN)

Why did the farmer's wife chase the chickens out of the yard?

'Cause they were using fowl language!

Gwen I set out some chats for us just got to pr!

Btw I can't chat because I lost my internet stuff, so I am using my school computer. I don't have long, but I will make sure to have some time 4 u.

I used to have an imaginary friend who I could talk to, and he could grant me wishes and stuff... and then I stopped going to church.

What do ants use when they're stinky?

Deodorant.