US jokes

Science took us to the moon, and religion took us into a skyscraper.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

Science flew us to the moon.

Religion flew us into two skyscrapers.

When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:

98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!

1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.

Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!

What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage? "Let us prey together."

So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in. He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.

What happened when Obama ran for president?

The whole US thought, "Holy hell, it's Osama bin Laden!" Thought he was dead.

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

What did the pizzas say to the pizza maker?

CHEESE-US!

I saw a guy raping a girl in the park, so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against the two of us.

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

I saw a man trying to rape a girl. I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against both of us.

God: “Stephen, join us!”

*sees the staircase to heaven.*

Stephen: “Shit!”

God: “Steven, join us.”

*sees the staircase to heaven*

Steven: “Shit.”

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

Ring ring.

Abortion clinic!

Where no fetus can beat us.

Why did the chicken cross to the U.S. from Mexico?

To get to the U.S., but he had to show his papers first.

How do you know that the U.S. sucks at chess?

They lost two towers.