Ups jokes
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
When you lose a game of Kahoot, so you kashoot up the school.
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.
I searched up self harm jokes, clean, but I couldn't find any :[
Bully: "Shut up and give me your money, otherwise I will tell everyone that you are still a virgin."
Boy: "Haha, I am not a virgin anymore."
Bully: "Haha, nice joke."
Boy: "If you don't believe then ask your sister or brother."
Bully: "Hah, I don't have any sibling."
Boy: "Will just wait for 9 months then u will know."
I started crying when my mom was cutting up onions.
Onions was a good dog.
I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! After all, they can't even stand up for themselves.
I wanted to solve teen suicide, so I shot up a middle school.
Why do people in a wheelchair make bad jokes? Because they are bad at stand-up.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
Mom: Wake up!
Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...
Mom: Why are you disappointed?
Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...
A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."
A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."
The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"
The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."
A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.
The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
A guy walks into a magical forest looking to cut down a tree. The best one he can find is a magical talking tree. He holds his axe up ready to slice and begins to swing when the tree says, "Stop! I'm a magical tree. You can't cut me." "I'm a magical tree!" the man mocks, then as he goes to swing the axe he says, "You may be a magical tree... But you will dialogue!"
An orphanage got robbed yesterday. Let's just say that's the second worst thing to happen to those orphans. At least they didn't end up like their parents.
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.