Ups jokes
What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
When you see someone with a double chin that’s sad:
Hey come on, man, keep your chin up. Wait, which one?
A teacher walked up to me and said, "How did we get butt cracks?"
I was like 4, so I said, "You had an earthquake on your booty."
Bootylicious lol
Yo mama is so slow, they had to wait six hours for the crane to finally show up.
Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.
I asked an angel, "How did I die?"
"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."
Poor biggie😔
What can you break, even if you never pick it up or touch it?
Answer: A promise.
My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...
There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."
Why did the orphan live at school?
Because on the first day his parents didn’t pick him up.
What’s up with the foot feet?
What is the plural of "goose"? "Geese."
What is the plural of moose? Well, it ant meese.
Well, it’s my first joke. Please forgive me if it’s bad.
My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
What's a deaf kid's favorite words?
"Shut up."
Why don't orphans go home at pickup?
Because they don't have parents to pick them up.
Your children grew up faster than it took you to leave for the milk.
Fat people: Do I look beautiful when I eat a pack of chicken?
Me: Yes, you look like a bunch of boulders crashing into each other.
Fat: Dang...
Me: Shut up, Jon Brower Minnoch.
Hey, what's the puniest pun you can come up with?
What's the worst part about getting old?
Going to pull up the wrinkles in your socks, just to find out you're not wearing socks!
Son: Hey dad, why is my name Canada?
Dad: Because you were made there.
Mum: We haven't been to Canada.
Dad: Hol' up a minute.
A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."